‘Emotional agility’: The pathway to thriving
For adults entrusted with helping children thrive, the goal seems clear: we want to nurture happiness, confidence and resilience. The pathway, however, is not always so obvious. We know how to support academic success, social skills and healthy habits. Yet one essential area seems overlooked: helping children navigate their inner emotional world in a way that promotes strength.
Psychologist Susan David calls this skill “emotional agility.” In her book Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change and Thrive in Work and Life, she describes how we can go about this. She states that many of us grew up believing that managing emotions meant controlling them, hiding them or pushing them aside. Emotional agility offers a far more effective path. As David explains, it’s about “showing up to our emotions with curiosity and compassion” and then choosing how to respond in ways that are consistent with our deepest values. She describes how we can become “hooked” by our thoughts and feelings, which can lead to reacting automatically. When children are hooked, a single thought like “I’m terrible at this” can lead to a negative spiral in their behaviour. With emotional agility, they learn to create space between what they feel and what they do, allowing them to chose a thought-out action.
Cultivating emotional agility offers powerful benefits for children, including building resilience. David also states that children learn that emotions are data, not directives. Feelings inform us but do not lock us into behaving in a certain way automatically. For example, a high school student who is struggling with grasping a certain subject can first acknowledge they are frustrated and feel stressed about it. Then, instead of saying “I can’t do math” or “I’m not smart,” they can then learn to accept help from a parent or a tutor, or study with a friend. “Even though I don’t know how to do this yet, with some help, I can do it.” They begin to understand that emotions are temporary and do not define them. This leads to the ability to “unhook” from critical self-talk, strengthening resilience from the inside out.
Second, emotional agility supports better decision-making. Space is created between feeling and action as children learn to pause and focus on their values. David suggests helping children to use their values as their compass. Teach children to learn they are not prisoners of their moods despite feeling strong emotions. She advocates using questions such as “What kind of person do I want to be right now?” to help a child take a step back and recall their values.
Third, emotional agility strengthens relationships. When children learn to accurately identify their feelings beyond labeling themselves as “good” or “bad,” they develop what David calls “emotional granularity.” The more children truly understand their emotions, the better they regulate them-selves. They increase their empathy for others as well as improve their communication and friendship skills.
Fourth, emotional agility nurtures lasting self-awareness. Instead of judging them-selves for feeling anxious or upset, children can learn to ask, “What is this emotion telling me?” Anxiety may signal a need for preparation. Anger may signal that a boundary feels crossed. Sadness may reflect loss or longing. When emotions are treated more as “messengers” rather than some-thing to be feared or avoided, children may be able to use a more balanced approach.
The author is quick to point out that the goal of her framework is not to eliminate discomfort. She believes that emotional agility develops in order to handle struggles. Shielding children from every disappointment does not build strength. Walking beside them as they learn to navigate difficulty does. She also shows how this can be accomplished:
Show up (Feel fully)
Showing up means turning towards and acknowledging emotions with openness instead of dismissing them. When a child is upset, it can be tempting to say, “It’s not a big deal,” or “You’re fine.” Emotional agility invites validation without overidentifying. “I can see you’re really disappointed” communicates that feelings are real and manageable. This is not indulgence – it is the beginning of regulation. A child cannot calm an emotion that has been denied. Showing up also protects against what David calls “toxic positivity” -the pressure to appear happy while hiding real struggle. When children know all feelings are acceptable (even if not all behaviours are), they feel psychologically safe.
Step out (Think flexibly)
Stepping out involves creating a little distance from thoughts and emotions so they do not control behaviour. David calls this process “unhooking.” Instead of “No one likes me,” a child can learn to say, “I’m having the thought that no one likes me.” Parents can gently model this by focusing on shared family values. Asking, “What would self-compassion look like here?” during a tense moment shifts attention from the heat of emotion to intentional choice. Over time, children internalize this values-based guidance.
Walk your why (Act intentionally)
Walking your why means taking small steps aligned with values, even when emotions feel uncomfortable. Emotional agility grows through simple, repeated practices – a deep breath before responding, a bedtime reflection, encouragement to try again after disappointment. These moments communicate a powerful message: “You can feel this, and you can choose your next step.” Confidence grows not from avoiding discomfort, but from moving through it with intention.
Emotionally agile children are not children who never struggle. They are children who recover more quickly because they have practiced tolerating discomfort. They understand that feelings are part of being human. Emotional agility reminds us that resilience is not built through avoidance of feelings or rigid control. It grows through curiosity, self-compassion, flexibility and values-based action. When children learn that they can fully experience their emotions and still choose their response, they learn how to navigate life’s challenges. Through these steps, their confidence grows and gives them a way to thrive!
Janet Silverstone Perlis, M.Ed., is a psychologist with the Student Services department of the English Montreal School Board.
