The challenges and gifts of neurodiverse sibling relationships
Neurodiversity presents a unique and complex dynamic in sibling relationships. As a parent of two neurodiverse children, I am instrumental in ensuring the delicate balance of meeting their individual needs while helping them maintain a supportive and nurturing relationship. One child may have more visible needs, while the other might internalize emotions, leading to a different set of challenges.
Having a neurodiverse sibling can foster empathy, kindness and understanding. However, it can also lead to unseen struggles. The child with fewer apparent needs may be expected to adapt, accommodate or even suppress their own desires in order to maintain household harmony. They may give up their seat at the table, a toy or a moment alone because managing their sibling’s emotional outbursts feels too overwhelming. Over time, this can result in disappointment, resentment or heightened conflict as competing needs arise.
It’s crucial to be mindful of the silent burdens the less “spicy” child may carry. If their internal needs go unnoticed or unspoken, they may deelop a dysregulated nervous system, which could lead to anxiety and people-pleasing tendencies. As a parent, I strive to balance connection, alone time, behaviour management and household structure, ensuring each child feels valued and heard. However, fatigue and overwhelm can sometimes take their toll. When I react with frustration or impatience, guilt follows. This reminds me of the importance of self-care and emotional regulation.
One of our most grounding routines is bedtime. No matter how the day unfolds, this moment of undivided attention allows for connection, storytelling and reflection. Sharing “rose, bud, and thorn” moments (the highlights, areas of growth and struggles) creates space for honest communication. If one child has had to compromise more during the day, I offer extra one-on-one time to replenish their emotional reserves. This process reassures us that tough moments are not permanent; they ebb and flow, allowing for hope and growth.
As my eldest grows, his need for independence becomes more evident. Allowing him the space to recharge builds his confidence while also providing my youngest with the attention he thrives on. Balancing space with moments of sibling connection, where they have choice and agency over their interactions, fosters a sense of control and respect. This structure helps cultivate boundary-setting skills and allows their bond to develop naturally.
Psychoeducation plays a vital role in helping my children foster understanding and empathy. By equipping them with knowledge, they develop a deeper understanding of their unique qualities, gaining awareness of how their individual thought processes and experiences shape daily life, ultimately strengthening their self-awareness and resilience. They are some of the kindest, most empathetic and helpful individuals I have ever met, and their ability to tune into others’ emotions is an incredible gift. Siblings of neurodiverse children hold a unique role; one that comes with its own challenges but also immense strengths. Their ability to navigate complex emotions, develop deep empathy and advocate for themselves and others is something truly worth honouring.
The journey is ongoing, but through open communication and intentional efforts, I hold onto the hope that we are growing together, one day at a time.
Stephanie Paquette is a social worker with the Student Services department of the English Montreal School Board.
